


I don't belong to anyone else

by Winterboxx



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, F/F, Lesbian AU, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-02-23 03:03:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23771452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winterboxx/pseuds/Winterboxx
Summary: Gigi doesn't like to be emotional, she tries to ignore it. Eventually it spills out. Songfic to anyone else by pvris (also nola 1 and old wounds kinda)
Relationships: Crystal Methyd/Gigi Goode, Gigi Goode/Crystal Methyd
Comments: 7
Kudos: 41





	I don't belong to anyone else

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a songfic to old wounds by pvris and ended as more of a songfic to anyone else with a little bit of nola 1.

"Don't think about it! Don't open those old wounds."

Nicky's voice echoed in Gigi's head. She could feel the French girl's disappointment at her current state of mind. It wasn't her fault. Why did things like this have to happen? Why did reality have to hurt so much? 

Her heart heaved with emotions she didn't have the energy to unpack. Everything inside of her, the sadness and fear she constantly swallowed down, was rushing back up with a vengeance. 

The silence was deafening. Intrusive voices and pictures flooded her mind without warning. How could Crystal just look at someone like that? What had happened? 

Gigi felt responsible. She always did. How could she not? She spent months berating herself for not seeing the signs. She could have done something but she never realised. 

Moments like this have a rare clarity. If Crystal was haunted by things like she was these bitter memories then it made sense. She claimed she didn't want to hurt Gigi and yet hurt her more in the process. 

Her vision blurred by tears she hadn't noticed, she needed something to block it out. Nicky would complain at her for playing "that sad angry music" at some point but the redhead couldn't find it in herself to care. 

Putting her playlist on shuffle she was welcomed by a haunted voice. Gigi let the music envelope her, slowly drowning everything out. 

A song describing a feeling haunted by a past love. It felt ironically relevant. The redhead let it sink into her. 

The line about not pulling through to see 22 felt far too real. The song called her out and she felt a twist in her stomach at the thought. How she'd lived this long was a mystery to herself. Had she even survived? What was being alive? She sure didn't feel alive right now.

Sinking in deeper the choruses passed by with Gigi in a daze. 

_You keep on saying that I've changed  
I know that I don't feel quite the same._

Gigi hummed along to the lyric, feeling it in her body. The pain in the singer's voice was all too familiar. The track faded out before she could ponder more. 

The next track she felt immediately. Anyone else was a strong one. She recalled hearing it with crystal one time and they both agreed to only belong to each other.

Crystal and her soft curly green hair. She was the type of girl that would get a stare in the street from a judgemental old person but never seemed to let it phase her. She had called Gigi's taste in music depressing. She was right. 

_"Oh my blood  
Once was my own  
But in one touch  
You made it yours  
What have you done?  
What have you done?"_

Gigi couldn't help but feel herself melt into the song. She sang along with an exhausted tone. Her voice would crack occasionally, the emotions were loosening and beginning to flow out. 

The loud thudding bass of the song kicked in, driving her to move from the pile of sadness she found herself in. With the tempo picking up Gigi sat herself up slightly. She continued to sing along, her voice thick with emotions she didn't have the energy to process. 

_"Oh my blood,  
What have you done,  
What have you done" _

Gigi felt herself become one with the lyrics. She didn't belong to anyone else. Or anyone, anymore. Something in her finally snapped and it started to flow out. The months of pent up sadness has eaten her up inside for too long, all she could do now was cry. The floodgates opened and refused to close. The redhead was left curled into a ball on her bed, sobbing herself into madness. 

She tried to stop. To breathe. To not let it affect her and to try and push it from her mind like Nicky told her she should. It was impossible though. Any grip of composure she got was ripped away by another wave of overwhelming sadness. Sobs turned quiet then loud again. 

Gigi didn't let herself come undone like those. Perhaps that was why it was so intense. In hindsight she knew how unhealthy it was to bottle everything up and never let herself show an imperfection but it was what she knew best. It was comforting to be viewed as unshakable by some, no matter what her reality actually was. 

That was part of what endeared her to Crystal in the first place. The unorthodox girl in a sea of people who cared about every little thing. Crystal seemed happy with imperfection, she claimed it made people more unique. Gigi wished she could have a similar power. 

It felt like Crystal was the only person to see through Gigi before she opened up to them. Nicky was the only person she trusted to be so open with. Even then their friendship had its limits. 

Nicky popped back into Gigi's head. What would she say about the position she was in right now. Gigi felt a rush of fear at the idea of being found like this. She couldn't explain it all. Not again. 

Nicky would tell her the logical things she needed to hear though. Gigi desired the comfort of another person so deeply but she couldn't. Not now. She could not be seen like this. 

In her turmoil she failed to notice the person quietly stood by her door. Nicky had heard loud sad music, crying, singing and heartbroken sobs from Gigi's room and felt her heart sink. The younger girl was going through something but she couldn't intervene for fear of Gigi closing up. It had happened before and put immeasurable strain on their friendship at the time. The French girl knew that she would talk about it in due time if she needed to.

-

It took time. What felt like a few hours could not have been more than 45 minutes. Gigi had almost suffocated under the pressure boiling in her veins. It had flowed through her like blood, unknowingly sending pain wherever it went. She was left dry of all the tears but numb. Perhaps now she could try and pick up the pieces and move on? She could only attempt.

Her reflections were cut short by a buzz from her phone. One look at the contact name and her heart sank once more. 

**_Crystal:  
Hey. Can we talk?_ **

What was there to talk about? How her heart had been split in two but an unknowing devil? She couldn't blame Crystal logically. It would have only caused more pain in the long run. A relationship wouldn't work when one person couldn't reciprocate the feelings. 

The green haired claimed she needed to sort herself. Her mind would only hurt them both if she left it and Gigi didn't deserve to deal with someone who felt incapable of love. Gigi shook her head. Crystal had loved her. She loved Crystal. Why couldn't that be enough.

**_Crystal:  
I miss you  
I've spent a lot of time dealing with things recently_ **

Gigi felt hope rise in her chest briefly. It fell quickly but the memory of it lingered. Was Crystal ready? 

After all the heartbreak should Gigi even go with it now. All the tears and feeling inadequate. She had cracked under the pressure once and didn't know if she could risk it again.

But it was Crystal. Crystal Elizabeth Methyd, part time artist and crier at any cute animals she saw. Maybe it was worth the risk.

**_Crystal:  
I love you_ **

That was it. That was what snapped Gigi back to reality. She didn't do this sobbing over girls stuff. Why was it different now? 

Something was different about Crystal. Just by the weight of emotions she made the redhead feel. But such a strong heart break could give rise to strong joy and love. Maybe the pain was worth it for the high of love she could get. 

**_Gigi:_  
We can talk.  
This has been hard, trying to go on like my heart didn't belong to someone who felt like they didn't want it  
I love you too **

It wouldn't be that easy. Both girls knew that. But it was worth a shot. 

Crystal had called Gigi shortly after. She had picked up the pieces unknowingly. They had a serious talk, agreeing to try no matter the risks but also to communicate. Gigi had tried to hold back how much Crystal had twisted her emotions but decided honestly was worth it. She had to be human. And for Crystal she could. 

_I don't belong to anyone else_


End file.
